{"id":12712,"date":"2024-01-28T22:22:31","date_gmt":"2024-01-28T22:22:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joebaker.me.uk\/joebaker\/?page_id=12712"},"modified":"2024-01-28T23:13:12","modified_gmt":"2024-01-28T23:13:12","slug":"news-a-true-story-of-beauty-and-the-beast","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/joebaker.me.uk\/joebaker\/news-a-true-story-of-beauty-and-the-beast\/","title":{"rendered":"News: A True Story of Beauty and The Beast"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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A stark warning from cyberspace \u2013 5<\/i><\/b>\u00a0minutes read<\/i><\/span><\/h3>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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An intimate observation of two individuals, struggling with a complex relationship issue. The narrative is extracted from diary entries over 15 years, only the names have been invented to protect the identities of the individuals.\u00a0 I am not qualified in psychology and references to professional terms have been avoided.\u00a0 The term \u2018narcissist\u2019 is used in its popular sense.\u00a0<\/span><\/h5>

New Love<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

Several years earlier I had lost my teenage sweetheart, my wife of 30 years, to cancer.\u00a0 It took a long while to adjust to being single, but as time went by I joined an internet dating group to reach out.\u00a0 It seemed to be a thoroughly sensible way to find, filter, \u2018phone, qualify and ultimately meet, that special someone.\u00a0 The agency advised writing a diary – to keep track, to aid recall and, perhaps, to resolve emotions.<\/span><\/p>

There is good reason to be methodical when you are past your prime; six months spent in a fruitless relationship means you emerge six months greyer, six months wrinklier and six months closer to the Grim Reaper.<\/span><\/p>

Before long I met Beauty, a local politician.\u00a0 On our first date I drove us in my car.\u00a0 Without a word to me, she adjusted the heating controls to suit her liking.\u00a0 I was amused by her cheekiness; little did I think that she would soon be trying to control me.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>

Beauty was charismatic, and highly regarded because she spoke her mind frankly, freely and unsentimentally.\u00a0 Her job elevated us around smart engagements, hobnobbing with lords and leaders. We hit it off immediately.\u00a0 She lavished attention on me and within a week of our meeting she wanted to “build a new life\u201d<\/em> with me.\u00a0 I started writing romantic poems again.\u00a0 As a volunteer elected member she was poorly paid, but I could provide security and after a wild courtship we got married.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>


<\/span>All Change<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

Our social life was great, we appeared happy and content, but in private I was no longer an equal partner.\u00a0 Beauty wanted everything done her way, and it irritated her when she caught me doing things differently.\u00a0 She insisted I needed a complete makeover, from what I wore to how I thought.\u00a0 If I took issue, she reproached <\/span>“Why are you being beastly to me, I’m only trying to help you?” <\/span><\/em>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Soon, nothing I said or did was right and she corrected me at every turn. If I made a slip of speech, she feigned confusion so I admitted it. Then she rubbed it in “You said left, but you meant right. I see.”<\/em> She rolled her eyes and shook her head. On the other hand, she regularly bought little love gifts for me. Each one was logged. If I said a word out of place, she would list the gifts and good deeds she had done and adopt a look of hurt “All the things I do for you and you’re so thankless.”\u00a0<\/em><\/span>
<\/span><\/p>

It seemed I was useless at everything, but somehow I managed to fool everyone. When I won a prize for my writing, rather than compliment me she remarked \u201cLucky they don\u2019t know you like I do.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 I complained that was unkind, and she replied “Why would I be unkind to you, I love you.”<\/em>\u00a0 Homelife became a dance around eggshells.\u00a0 One minute she was all over me, the next I was dirt.<\/span><\/p>

At times Beauty wowed me.\u00a0 She swore undying love, but when she felt ignored or slighted, <\/span>her behaviour <\/span>could be<\/span> un<\/span>predictable.\u00a0 <\/span>She <\/span>was <\/span>prickly-precious, and she had a fiery temper.\u00a0 One time, as I poured a drink into her glass, a drop spilled on the table. She hit the ceiling “You clumsy idiot!”<\/em> she exploded.\u00a0 When I protested, I was “too sensitive.”\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>

\"Abusive
Beauty helps the beast navigate<\/figcaption><\/figure>

A Victim<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

Early on I noticed that she disparaged supposed inferiors \u2013 anyone untidy, overweight or oddly dressed.\u00a0 Now, she admitted feeling secretly insecure.\u00a0 Raised an only child by a stony mother who told her “Don’t have any children, they wreck your life,” <\/em><\/span>there was often no supper for her.\u00a0 Instead her mother offered a bar of chocolate in place of a meal.\u00a0 At school she <\/span>was bullied and <\/span>felt lonely.\u00a0 She was twice made redundant from jobs she loved. Her life had been dogged with selfish or disloyal partners, and then she suffered a painful divorce.<\/span><\/p>

I smugly believed I understood \u2013 her attacks were defensive.\u00a0 Seeing the world as hostile, she had formed an<\/span> avoidant attachment style<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/span>.\u00a0 I had learned about this condition.<\/span><\/span>\u00a0 She<\/span> needed reassurance – lots of love and protection.\u00a0 In taking care of her and sympathising with her I felt valued. I made allowance and we had fun despite domestic friction.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>


Confuse and Control<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>

It became impossible for us to discuss anything sensibly if I took a different view. When I offered my own ideas Beauty repeated, curtly, \u201cWe’re not communicating”<\/em> or “You don’t understand.”<\/em> If I made a suggestion, she charged me with bullying “Stop telling me what to do!”<\/em> Or she scolded “If I want your advice I’ll ask for it!”<\/em> Disagreement was taken as a personal insult. She would distort my objection, then attack the distortion<\/span>.<\/span><\/p>

Sometimes she’d explode and divert with a word salad, or raise an irrelevant question on another topic.\u00a0 It fed her rage when I tried to rationalise and defend myself \u2013 she lapped up the negative attention.\u00a0 If contradicted she blanked me out for hours, or erupted and barked insults, \u201cShut up!”\u00a0 “How dare you!”\u00a0 \u201cPiss off!\u201d<\/em>\u00a0or\u00a0\u201cGet lost!\u201d\u00a0<\/em> I objected to her outbursts, and she fumed \u201cWhy are you being horrible to me<\/em>?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>

Her intense reactions overwhelmed and<\/span> confused me. <\/span>\u00a0<\/span>I had a mental picture of what an abuser was like, and Beauty did not fit. <\/span>\u00a0I felt bad for her distress, <\/span>after all<\/span> a<\/span>s she said “<\/span>It takes two to tango.”\u00a0 <\/em> Perhaps these situations could have been better handled, I thought, and I looked for ways to blame myself for her behaviour.\u00a0 I\u00a0grew two heads<\/a><\/u><\/strong>; having trivialised my hurt, now I loaded myself with guilt for it.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Before trying a new tack I should have grasped that Beauty lacked normal feelings, she was deaf to consensus.\u00a0 In a (recreational) psychometric test, she scored a low emotional empathy<\/a><\/u><\/strong> quotient.\u00a0 The chemistry to play in harmony was missing.\u00a0 At the time I failed to recognise its significance.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

\"Beauty's<\/p>

Mixed Messages<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

Beauty often acted contemptuously towards me, yet she could be charming and she insisted she loved me.\u00a0 Such torn feelings were alien in my experience.\u00a0 Googling gave valuable insights, which also raised challenges.\u00a0 B<\/span>ut I had promised “to be true through good and bad times, in sickness and in health<\/em><\/span>.”<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 I kept notes in my <\/span>daily journal and used positive reinforcement, applauding courtesy and ignoring hostility or rudeness.<\/span><\/p>

I spoke of actions and consequences, but she laughed “I can’t see why anyone would want to look back.\u00a0 It’s past!”<\/em>\u00a0 I made a point of expressing my hurt feelings and<\/span> put to her some of the upsetting remarks she had made.\u00a0 At first, Beauty denied her behaviour or made light of it.\u00a0 She snorted that I had misheard or misinterpreted her.\u00a0 <\/span>I quoted from my journals, and she called me “A weirdo”<\/em> for writing about her.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>

I wanted to talk it over, except she accused me of “giving (her) a bollocking.”\u00a0 <\/em>Setting herself as the victim, she said “I haven’t got a problem<\/em><\/span><\/span>, you’re the problem! <\/em>\u00a0I was fine before you came along.”\u00a0<\/em><\/p>

\"Beauty's<\/p>

Abusive Behaviour Diminished or Disowned<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

The next time Beauty told me to “Shut up,”<\/em> I challenged her.\u00a0 She claimed I was \u201cblowing things up out of proportion.\u201d<\/em> \u00a0Professing love, she laughed “There’s something wrong with you.\u00a0 You’re so fragile.”\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 When I persisted, she blared \u201cGet over it!\u201d<\/em>\u00a0and\u00a0\u201cIf you’re upset that’s your problem!\u201d<\/em> \u00a0<\/span><\/p>

I tried to set boundaries on disrespectful conduct and she warned me firmly \u201cYou’re domineering!\u00a0 Stop trying to control me!\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 She projected her controlling behaviour, telling everyone I was “A control freak.”\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>

Two Faces<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

By unleashing an emotional roller-coaster at home, I believe <\/span>Beauty was trying to <\/span>displace<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/span>\u00a0feelings of insecurity in the outside world.\u00a0 I<\/span>n public <\/span>she<\/span> changed chameleon-like, from an adversarial partner into a model of communal amiability.\u00a0 She sparkled in company.\u00a0 Intensely image-conscious, <\/span>she donned her Oscar worthy \u2018party persona\u2019 at <\/span>social events <\/span>and <\/span>circulated,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>seeking attention.<\/span><\/p>

Beauty worked hard to support and manage her network of friends to secure her supply.\u00a0 Gatherings were choreographed in advance for socialising and seating<\/span>.\u00a0 We <\/span>arrived <\/span>first and left last to maximise exposure, and s<\/span>he was admired by everyone, including my folks.\u00a0 H<\/span>owever, her friendships were cherished on a superficial level.<\/span><\/p>

Behind their backs she described my daughters and their families as <\/span>\u201cpond-life.\u201d<\/i>\u00a0 My brother was pronounced <\/span>\u201ccrummy.\u201d <\/i>\u00a0(She split people<\/a><\/strong><\/span> into two camps, “good value”<\/em> or “crummy,”<\/em><\/span>\u00a0<\/em>with no gradation.)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Isolating Tactics<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

She made negative comments about my <\/span>friends<\/span> to change my opinion of them and make them less worthy.\u00a0 <\/span>In se<\/span>tting my crowd apart, our <\/span>social diary became <\/span>filled with her circle and her events.\u00a0 \u00a0Amongst those with whom she shared history, she steered the conversation to private anecdotes.\u00a0 At the time I didn’t<\/span> see this was done deliberately to marginalise me<\/span>.<\/span><\/p>

Reviewing my journals, I noted a recurring pattern in her bid to dominate.\u00a0 Poor Beauty couldn’t handle dissent, diversity or any disturbance to her planned schedule.\u00a0 Feelings of insecurity triggered a cycle of control, closing on temporary calm.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>

\"Cycle
Cycle of Control – From an idea by L E Walker<\/figcaption><\/figure>

Gaslighting<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

Beauty played mind games.\u00a0 If I forgot someone’s name, she solemnly declared \u201cI’m getting very worried about your (my) mind.\u201d\u00a0 <\/i>She kept dates from me, arguing later she had told me and I’d forgotten.\u00a0 After we had left a gathering, she would comment how attractive another man was, saying “He could have an hour of my time” <\/em>or “He could lay me.”<\/em>\u00a0 I called for respect, and she shot back “It’s just girly talk, you’re too defensive.”<\/em>\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>

The games got meaner and wilder, until one day, she remarked \u201cThe wall by your side of the bed has gone black from your breath.\u201d<\/i>\u00a0 I could see no black, yet she insisted.\u00a0 <\/span>Healthy partners don’t make assertions like that, not without cause.<\/span><\/p>

Persistent research revealed that the toxic traits Beauty exhibited are associated with a documented mental health condition known to psychologists as NPD<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>

At the time I was recovering from prostate cancer<\/span>.\u00a0 Having read the literature on her disorder I felt unsafe<\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span>I reckoned that<\/span> i<\/span>f I became a burden, <\/span>Beauty would not hesitate to put a pillow over my face.\u00a0 S<\/span>ympathy had faded and I pleaded for divorce<\/span>.\u00a0 <\/span>Her attitude suggested she would agree, but to my dismay she went ballistic.\u00a0 \u201cYou can’t do this to me” she screamed! <\/i><\/span><\/p>

Emotionally barren<\/span>, Beauty protested <\/span>loss of her practical wants.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>“I built my life around you, you\u2019re destroying my world!\u201d<\/i>\u00a0 Calling me “selfish,”<\/em> she railed \u201cI’m not going to let this marriage go.\u00a0 It’s your fault you feel hurt, you\u2019re too sensitive.\u201d\u00a0 <\/i><\/span>Opposed divorce can be messy; I was having cancer treatment and had no taste for a battle.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

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Closure\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

Next day I was bombarded with love.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t mean to offend, she loved me and she promised to get help.\u00a0 I had overreacted.\u00a0 We saw a relationship counsellor who cited Gottman’s Four Horsemen<\/a><\/span><\/strong> metaphor.\u00a0 The mood softened and I relented.\u00a0 But she never got the help she needed.\u00a0 Her transformation had been an elaborate performance, and before long Beauty relapsed.\u00a0 She said “It’s very stressful having to stop and think before I speak.”\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>

In the final act, Beauty sneered <\/span>\u201cYou have no friends.\u201d\u00a0 <\/i>Someone or something had irked her, and she demanded I name friends so she could discredit them. \u00a0Feeling wounded and depressed, I took a break to stay away with my brother in Spain.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Meanwhile, a change in UK divorce law took effect that scrapped the need for consent.\u00a0 Concerned for my own mental health, I returned early to tell Beauty she was not my friend and I would end our marriage, knowing the news might trigger a collapse.<\/p>

.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

\"OurTime<\/p>

Beauty Unmasked<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

I realised that Beauty had little real warmth.\u00a0 She adopted emotional charades in the hope I might be won around.\u00a0 Feigning love, she claimed to be heartbroken by our parting.\u00a0 She sent a poignant message saying \u201cI loved you from the moment we met, and I still love you.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 But it emerged that two weeks earlier, while I was in Spain with my brother, she had advertised her profile on the online dating service,<\/span> OurTime<\/strong><\/a><\/span>.\u00a0 She joined other dating sites and may have met other men<\/span>. \u00a0She went on to write “Who will ever dance with me like you do?”\u00a0 <\/em>Before, she had told me I was “Wooden, with no sense of rhythm.” <\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Her message ended \u201cI’ll never stop telling you I love you.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 While writing these words of love she opened a private bank account and was secretly siphoning off money.\u00a0 This was a new low \u2013 our lifestyle was funded mostly by me.<\/span><\/p>

She wrote that she was sorry.\u00a0 Not sorry for the hurt, but sorry to have failed \u201c\u2026it\u2019s such a terrible waste.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 She couldn’t accept responsibility, so she blamed me for misinterpreting her.\u00a0 I “didn\u2019t understand teasing”<\/em> I “couldn\u2019t <\/em>join up the dots.\u201d\u00a0<\/em> She said \u201cYou can\u2019t translate conversations or interpret cues, so you take everything I say literally; you miss the nuances.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>

People exhibiting Beauty’s traits tend to lack neurotypical feelings and emotions.\u00a0 Beauty had no conscience about deception and this made our split-up more protracted and difficult than it should have been.\u00a0 Our divorce ended up in the hands of lawyers and much of our wealth was wasted bickering over a settlement that ultimately disadvantaged her.<\/span><\/p>


<\/strong><\/span>Lessons Learned<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>

I acknowledge now, that I was at fault for the abuse I suffered.\u00a0 I put that down partly to my upbringing, which encouraged me to avoid conflict and be agreeable.<\/span><\/p>

Some people feel a need to control, while other, warm-hearted types, leave themselves open (Read George Simon<\/strong><\/span>)<\/span><\/a><\/span>.\u00a0 Relationship <\/span>breakup<\/span> is a traumatic experience for both parties; but here’s the thing.\u00a0 The ordeal offers opportunities.\u00a0 Carl Jung<\/a><\/strong><\/span> taught <\/span>“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”<\/em>\u00a0 I<\/span> was brought up to be harmless.\u00a0 That works well with 99% of people<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/span> who are agreeable.\u00a0 I had loved, and been loved and cared about by many warm and wonderful people who spoiled me.\u00a0 Foolishly, I took their precious gift of unconditional love for granted.\u00a0 I deserved to be taught a lesson.<\/span><\/p>

Today, I feel no animosity, but a mixture of sympathy and relief.\u00a0 Professing victimhood, Beauty has the attention<\/span> she craves.\u00a0 She kept the family<\/span> dog, who remains loyal and attentive regardless.\u00a0 She once said that a dog is all she needs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

*<\/strong> <\/span>Log of Snake Bites<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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The Bottom Line<\/strong><\/h4>

\"Snake-cool<\/strong><\/p>

We rarely meet p<\/span>eople exhibiting a narcissistic personality <\/span>in real life. <\/span>\u00a0These snake-cool actors<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>are thought to <\/span>represent just <\/span>1% of the population<\/span><\/a><\/strong>, and w<\/span>e learn to avoid them.\u00a0 We mix with friends having common interests f<\/span>rom an early age<\/span>.\u00a0 Kids in the school playground, for instance, watch bullies congregate, see how they behave, and stay clear.\u00a0 But o<\/span>n the internet <\/span>bullies <\/span>connect <\/span>snakily, and without restraint<\/span>.<\/span><\/p>

For years I failed to recognise narcissistic behaviour for what it was.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know the nature of these cool actors at the time.\u00a0 It turns out many people don’t know, and that\u2019s why this story is shared now.\u00a0 Get to recognise <\/span>snake-<\/span>cool actors and connect with warm people.\u00a0 <\/span>Matt Haig<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/strong> writes <\/span>“Life is warmth.\u00a0 You’ll be cool when you’re dead.”<\/em><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Topical?\u00a0 Share with your friends:\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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