The Story of Beauty and Beast
A warning from cyberspace – 3 minutes read
Trust is Built
I lost my wife of 36 years, my teenage sweetheart, to cancer. Craving a close relationship, I joined an internet dating group and met Beauty, a popular local politician and socialite. She bowled me over with her energy and confidence, and after a wild courtship hobnobbing with the rich and famous, we got married.
Denigration
She was charming, friends held her up as kind and generous, but the woman I married turned out very different. Now she wanted to change everything about me, from what I wear to how I think. She sniped at any petty lapse or failing. If I made a mess or accidentally broke anything I was “clumsy,” “useless,” “an idiot.” She found something to criticise in everything I did, and never gave credit. When I won a prize for my writing she sneered “Lucky they don’t know you like I do.”
Victim Role Play
She could be delightful and she vowed undying love. Yet she was also demanding and prickly-precious, with an explosive temper. She described her early difficult relationship with her mother, and admitted feeling secretly insecure. I could see she was troubled. I believed her cruel snubs were self-protective, and sympathising with her I made allowance. Despite domestic strain, we had good fun in company. Her behaviour was confusing, but I was in love and anxious to help.
Emotional Coldness
Using positive reinforcement, I applauded courtesy and ignored hostility or rudeness. I made a point of expressing my hurt feelings, but she disowned responsibility, blaring “If you’re upset that’s your problem!” or “It’s in the past, get over it!” I sorted a (recreational) psychometric test for us, and she scored a low emotional empathy quotient.
Projection
Discussion became a minefield, and opposition was futile. She diverted the topic, or blurted a word salad, or a curt “We’re not communicating.” When I offered an opinion she snapped “If I want your advice I’ll ask for it!” (Afterwards she told everyone I kept giving her orders.) If contradicted she would blank me out for hours, or erupt and bark insults “Shut up!” “Piss off!” and “Get lost!” I challenged her behaviour, and she projected it onto me, calling me a bully. She shouted “You’re domineering! Stop trying to control me!” I felt disoriented and absurdly powerless.
Dual Personas
Our home life was an emotional roller coaster, but in public my adversarial partner would change, chameleon-like, into a model of communal amiability. Intensely image-conscious, she donned her Oscar worthy ‘party persona’ and was admired by everyone, including my family. Behind their backs she described my brother as “weird” and branded my daughters “pond-life.” She filled our social diary with her friends and her events.
Gaslighting
She played mind games. When I forgot something, she solemnly declared “I’m getting very worried about your (my) mind.” If I made a slip of speech, she feigned confusion until I acknowledged it; then she rolled her eyes and shook her head. The games got meaner, until one day she coolly remarked “Your breath has made the walls go black.” She persisted, and with affection fading I pleaded for divorce. She went ballistic. “You can’t do this to me” she screamed, “I built my life around you, you’re destroying my world!” She railed “It’s your fault you feel hurt, you’re too sensitive.” I was having cancer treatment and couldn’t face a battle.
Coercive Behaviour
We agreed to settle and denigration became normal. I felt bouts of tearfulness and grew insular from her taunts. Early in 2022, she calmly scoffed “You have no friends, no one likes you.” Feeling wounded, depressed and drained, I took time out to visit my brother in Spain. I returned to tell her that a change in divorce law on 6th April scrapped the need for her consent and I would end our marriage.
Blame Shifting
Later, Beauty sent a poignant email to say she had been afraid we would split up, and she was sorry. Not sorry for the hurt, but sorry to have failed “…it’s such a terrible waste.” She blamed me for our marriage break-up, protesting that I didn’t understand teasing, I couldn’t “join up the dots.” She wrote “You can’t translate conversations or interpret cues, so you take everything I say literally; you miss the nuances.”
Lessons Learned
Sixteen years of marriage to Beauty made me confront my failings. I reflected on how lucky I was to have had lots of love and care from so many other people in my life. Shamefully I took them for granted; I deserved to be taught a lesson. Today, I feel no animosity, but a mixture of sympathy and relief. Beauty is left financially comfortable with supportive friends – and a dog. She often said that’s all she needs.
The Bottom Line
In the real world we are instinctively selective in our associations. On the school playground, for instance, bullies congregate in groups; we see how they treat others and stay clear. The internet instantly connects us, one-on-one – anyone to anyone. I was foolish, but I didn’t know how to recognise cold people at the time, so I forgive myself. It turns out most people don’t know, and that’s why I’m relating this story to you now. Get to know how to recognise cold people and connect with warm people. One day we'll become cold for eternity.
The names and places referred to in the above account are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.